Johnny Crashed
Somewhere, ME
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The town of Somewhere, Maine
is about a 45 minute drive West of Normal, Maine. After the 3rd and largest broccoli field, just before the ol' Robertsons' barn, turn down the dirt road on the left.

When you come to the big granite ledge sticking up in the road, turn around and head back the other direction about a mile or so. When you feel as though you've gone far enough, turn right and head out across the field towards the woodline.

After you've reached the woodline, you'll have to get out of your vehicle and continue the rest of the way on foot. Bring some water with you as it is a long ways and you're bound to get lost if it's your 1st, 2nd, or 5th time visiting Somewhere.

Head on into the woods at about a 45 degree angle Northways, and continue on that heading until you hear running water off to your left side. That'd be Hookalmungduck stream. If you're visiting in the Winter, you won't hear the stream as it'd be iced over, in which case you will have no way of knowing when or where to change direction. It is not recommended to visit Somewhere in the Winter months.
Johnny Crashed
Vocals, guitar, farmer
Farmer and committed anarchist in the hills of Somewhere, Maine, Johnny finds that in the blink of an eye his whole world has changed. After the crash he begins to grow marijuana on his farm while simultaneously slipping into a new identity. Through this transformation, Openly High Farm and outlaw Country music cinger Johnny Crashed are born!
Jezebel
Vocals, hula-hoop, dance, choir
Formally a homeschooled Christian girl, she's part of the Jesus loving Gentempo Family Singing Curcus, which traveled the back roads of the USA seeking souls in need of redemption through song and dance.
Rebekah
Vocals, hula-hoop, dance, choir
Sister of Jezebel and younger daughter of Lucille, she is also part of the Gentempo Family Singing Circus. She prefers the company of rascals.
Mother Mary Jane
Vocals, choir, dance
Both a maternal and sensual caregiver/healer, Mother Mary Jane leads the Openly High Choir, and operates Mother Mary Jane's Smoke Easy out of her apartment in Normal, ME where she is always willing to take confession. She is a marijuana advocate who previously did time at the same federal prison that Johnny did.
Redneck
Harmonica player in The Rednecks (Johnny's Band)
Local hell raising, drug dealing, pick up driving​, PBR drinking, lady loving, harmonica blowing foreman at Openly High Farm
Rasta
Background vocals in The Rednecks
Redneck's best friend and background vocalist for The Rednecks. Father to at least six children (confirmed). 
Rainman
PillBilly / Rapper
Local man/boy befriended by Johnny when Rainman was a teenager after his father's fatal overdose. Takes advantage of everyone in his life including his own mother who turns him in whenever possible hoping that jail will save him.
Babbling Brooks
Drummer/Ladies Man
Drummer in The Rednecks who annoys everyone by speaking only in Grateful Dead lyrics. Rumored to be a "servant" for Mother Mary Jane. Perpetually unemployed.
Barry Indica
Local Grower / Male Exotic Dancer
Local marijuana "chemist" by day and male exotic dancer by night. The gayest straight man in Somewhere, Maine. Constantly trying to talk Johnny into producing  porn films he can star in.
Jack the Stripper
Local Grower / Male Exotic Dancer
Local cannabis farmer who is frustrated by his dependency on Barry Indica (his growing partner) for his knowledge of chemistry. He has fired Barry Indica at least six times but feels obligated after knocking up Barry's girlfriend.
Rizza
Local Grower /One of Johnny's neighbors
Rizza's love of money is overshadowed only by his skills as a grower. After 20+ years of growing Rizza is a millionaire whose only legacy is his own arrogance and his unfulfilled girlfriend.
Old Man Tucker
OG Hippy/ Owner of Tucker's Pub
Old Man Tucker arrived in Somewhere, Maine during the first wave of hippies in the 60's. A self taught carpenter and artist, he also fronts a local band called "The Unwashed Hippies". 
Blind Doobie
Songwriter/Musician
Lifelong musician who lost his sight at 12 he is now the front man for "Trailer Trash" (with is wife on upright bass and stepson "Redneck" on harmonica). Can navigate roads better the most GPS and cooks a mean Thanksgiving turkey.
Huckleberry Jesus
Farm Worker
Homeless street preacher who drinks too much hoping to forget, Lives in RV on Johnny's farm and helps out with the plants.
Cullen Krishna
Bass Player / Yoga Enthusiast 
A nomadic journeyman of music who imagines himself much deeper then those around him. He has been playing bass with The Rednecks and chasing pussy since Father Berube left the band due to legal issues involving a minor. Johnny can't stand him but he is too damn good to replace.
Pastor Clint
Local Preacher
Preacher and front man for Azland Family Band. A shadowy figure involved in the world of marijuana who has to battle Johnny constantly from stealing members of his band. 
Billy the Kid
Harmonica/Mandolin/Drummer
A longtime member of the Azzland Family Band, Billy can play at least six different instruments. He remains devoted to Jesus and Jerry despite the urging of Johnny to "go get some pussy". 
Joe Oliver
Veteran
Disabled veteran with PTSD. Trying to detoxify from pain killer addiction and seeking clarity for the fog that has hung over him for more then twenty years. Likes to hang out at Johnny's farm, get stoned, and shoot off his assault rifles. 
Trash Barry
Crappy Local Writer
Trash is a local author with dollar signs in his eyes. Hiding behind his cheap shot writing he befriends Johnny in an attempt to steal his story. Trash is overweight and unattractive and develops a serious jealousy of Johnny and his lifetime of sexual adventures and attention from the lady-folk. He also secretly watches fofur porn that he pays to get made for him.
Wannabe McOutlaw
Guitar/Mandolin Player 
Wannabe was kidnapped at an early age by an orthodox band of country musicians and forced to learn acoustic/electric guitar, mandolin, upright and electric bass, as well as a little bit of lap steel. After he mastered every walking bass line known to man he suffered a nervous breakdown and escaped to Nashville. After Shooter Jennings found him doing Dixie Chicks song's in drag he was pointed north to the farm of legendary outlaw Johnny Crashed, where he joined the Rednecks and learned to reject the tired cliche's of country music. 
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Green Man
Herbal Healer/Prophetic Rambler
Green Man is a longtime friend of Johnny's who is stuck between two worlds. Consistently finding himself in relationships with broken women or lesbians, he does battle with his own Catholic upbringing as he recreates himself as the Green Man.
Justin Sumak
Local MD/Marijuana Advocate
Another FOJ (Friend of Johnny's) Osteopath, father, and cannabis lecturer during the week, Rainbow gathering attendee on weekend. 
Sam
German Shepard/Head of Security
Arriving with the Gentempo Family Singers, Sam quickly became Johnny's best friend and head of Openly High Farm security.
Skyla
Wolf/Husky/Shepard
A stray dog that wandered onto the farm years ago. She watches the coming and goings of all farm visitor's from the safety of her wolf cave. (under the deck) Prefers to move only when there is food involved.
Jah Sun
Skirt chaser/Mayan Scholar/Artist
One of Johnny's oldest friends, "Jah Sun" (Formerly Father Berube)occasional visit's the farm spreading her word of the impending Mayan Apocalypse. He also produces art for the farm while driving Johnny crazy with his late night metal binges.
Pig Pen
Full time Leech
One of the original farm crew members, like his namesake, arrived at the farm in a cloud of his own filth and a perpetual soundtrack of electronic music. Seemingly devoid of any concern for anyone but himself, he has a lifetime ban from the farm but remains in the area.
Amelia
One of Johnny's Ex Girlfriends
The mother of one of Johnny's children. After leaving Johnny she also successfully took his kids with her by convincing the courts that Johnny planned to leave the country with them. Now she and her allies (Amelia's Army)spends most of her time in a vengeful fury aimed at anything Johnny does. 
Delilah
Semi Domesticated Dove
A female dove that Jezebel purchased at the Oxford County Fair. She lives in a bird atrium attached to the farmhouse at Openly High Farm but flies freely over the farm acreage oftentimes landing on the head of a farm visitor. She adores music and weed.
Building permits
Nobody gives one flying fuck what you build, just so long as it's on your own property, or far enough into the woods on somebody else's property so as not to likely be discovered.
grow permits
Permits? That's funny!
hermits permits
All inquiries regarding squatters' rights should be directed towards Redneck's trailer. But the simple rule of thumb is that if the property owner only shows up once or twice a year and has a Massachusetts license plate, feel free to grow your weed on the property, dump your garbage, borrow their copper pipes, and liberate their snow blower/chain saw/air compressor as needed.
Marriage Licenses
You do realize that this is likely to be a mistake, right? But if it's that important to you, go right ahead. Whether you are straight, gay, or somewhere in between, go nuts! Hot for your cousin? That's fine. Into inanimate objects? We are o.k,. with that as well. But please, No Farm Animals. We aren't there yet.
Dog Licenses
Sure. Just as soon as I let you educate or vaccinate my kids.

Somewhere, ME

The Marijuana Musical
January 10, 2014 Somewhere, ME – Cow Pasture Productions was pleased to announce the opening night gala for “Somewhere, Maine: The Marijuana Musical”; a dramatic look at one year on a marijuana farm in the hills of Western Maine, and home to outlaw country music singer, Johnny Crashed. Johnny battles with reality as he deals with the loss of his two children who were taken from him for the crime of being a pot farmer. The musical features a host of characters including: Jezebel, a newly arrived home schooled Christian girl who is seeking souls to save through song and dance; Redneck, a long time hell raiser and drug dealer seeking a unique kind of revenge; Mother Mary Jane, a local sensuous "healer" who operates a Smoke Easy in Normal, Maine, and Joe Oliver, a troubled veteran who is battling his demons, along with many more.

The stage production features the original music and lyrics of Johnny Crashed with choreography by the Nevaeh Dance Company, and the debut of The Openly High Choir, and music from Johnny's backup band "The Rednecks" This groundbreaking event took place on April 20th, 2014 (4/20) at the Port City Music Hall. In addition to the musical, the gala featured music from the Lazzlo Family Band, Tricky Britches, and Skosh.
Click below for a calendar of upcoming events!

Jezebel's Journal
Sunday, May 1st 2011

Lord,

    Today mother, Rebekah, and I are making our way up into the mountains of Somewhere Maine. Mama say there's a farm up there just full of misguided souls lookin for a savin.
    Rebekah and I have heard rumors of the sweet soundin music that comes from that farm, as well as other rumors that could cause some folks to worry, but Mama, Rebekah and i ain't afraid, not when we're doing the Lords work. We look forward to a singin and dancing in your name Lord, and sharing you lovein light with all them Somewhere Maine farm folks.

    I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
    These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

Stories

as told by
Johnny Crashed
Plant Graveyard

There was something strangely rewarding about looking at marijuana plant carcasses that were 6-8 ft in length. But each of these plant carcasses was a federal offense so Johnny was careful about not keeping them on site after the plants had been stripped clean of any buds and leaves. He yelled to B-Man, his ten year old son who was playing with the dogs, and they walked towards the grow field where a large Rastafarian was headed in a small truck. . . .

Ask Redneck and Rasta
Q: Dear Redneck and Rasta,
    I am a Mother who has to suffer with a 50/50 custody situation.  And I’m thinking of starting a women’s circle, for woman like me who have to deal with their child’s fathers wanting to spend just as much time with them as their mother does.   During our “circle time” we would feed off of each other’s fabricated fears and dwell on past relationships problems. As well as exchange tools and ideas on how to complicate and dramatize our ex’s lives!  Any suggestions on how to make this a reality?

    Btw I tried sharing this ides on facebook but the only response I really got was from divorcee dads . . .

​    -Mamma Knows Best