Once upon a time in a land called Somewhere, Maine there lived a little girl named Rayn. In many ways Rayn was just like other girls. She held tea parties with her dolls and dogs. She was fascinated by glitter and nail polish. And by all of her own accounts she was a princess.
And as a princess she passed through the early part of her life with cameras snapping, pink dresses, and the endless admiration of her adoring public.
She spent her days in this beautiful kingdom, where she had been brought as a baby by two doves named Sampson and Delilah, cooing and dancing, in the most loveliest of ways. But still she felt lonely and wished for a friend who did not have fur or feathers.
One day a strange creature named Hoop Girrrl appeared with magical and colorful circles that would endlessly float around her waist. She was also very nice to Rayn, cooked great food, and danced almost as good as Rayn did. But she confessed to Rayn that she was also very juggley and was always dropping things! She said that only the magic kiss of a handsome farmer could help her.
As time passed the girls friendship grew and Hoop Girrl taught Rayn how to make pancakes, needle felt, and of course make hula hoops. In return Rayn showed Hoop Girrl all her best dance moves and how to talk to animals.
One afternoon as they lay out in the sun listening to “This American Life with Ira Glass”, Hoop Girll asked where Rayn had gotten her beautiful hair. That is when Rayn decided to tell her about her good friend Johnny Crashed who was a wandering musician/farmer playing only the finest of outlaw country music while growing medicine. It was from him that she had stolen her beautiful locks of hair after he came home from the infamous Lazzlo compound with bleary eyes and needing a nap.
Rayn then told Hoop Girrl that only the magical smooches of Johnny could make her less juggley and Rayn asked Hoop Girrl if she would like to meet him. Hoop Girrl was a little flustered as she had never met a real live outlaw country musician but decided to take a chance and said yes, she would like to meet this man even though Rayn said that he was grumpy and had not smiled in years.
So one day early in the morning, Rayn and Hoop Girll danced down to the magical pond that Johnny would swim in. There they spotted Johnny doing laps, while his friend Sam played with the log stumps on the shoreline. They snuck up and stole Johnny’s clothes that lay on the shore and left a note with a clue.
When Johnny emerged from the pond he could not find his clothes anywhere but saw the piece of paper with the clue and he read it outloud to himself, it said
“For those who seek a place to grow
In a sweet smelling garden (or six feet of snow)
Here is the home for you and your pooch
Find us today and we will give you a smooch”
Johnny thought for a minute and then he knew what he had to do. He picked up his guitar, turned and walked up the trail to the distant farmhouse on the hill, followed by Sam, his German Shepard. When they got to the house they looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Inside was Hoop Girrrl and Rayn waiting for them with smiles and laughter and open arms to greet them. Johnny smiled for the first time in years.
The long awaited CD by Johnny Crashed "The Trial of Johnny Crashed" is now available in recycled CD bins everywhere along with all his other CD's and his home made porn that failed even in the Asian market. The new CD features colorful artwork of an outhouse on his farm, court documentation from a few of his legal battles, and a couple of photo's that are included to make him seem more interesting then he really is.
The CD is the culmination of two years of work at a few studio's in Maine one located in a cold, musty garage in Central Maine, and the other a Christian compound that always smelled like like a grow room. The studio musicians who contributed their talents to the project include at least three that Johnny no longer talks to.
So far the CD has created no buzz whatsoever with the exception of an angry phone call from his ex as well as numerous threatening letters from a number of lawyers representing some asshole who feels slighted.
"I'm pleased that the CD is now available to be trashed by all my haters", said Mr. Crashed in an email. "I'm also proud that I didn't take my own life during the three years it took to complete the damn thing. It always seemed like a possibility."
If you would like to enjoy the music of Johnny Crashed, please send $15 to: Cow Pasture Productions, PO Box 122, Sumner, Maine 04292.