I. There comes a time when the pathways of this wicked world collide with the burden of truth each of us carries in our heart. There is a point where we must stare upon these truths no matter how ugly and confront what we have wrought. For there is no question that we have all fallen short. And as we have lined our pockets with the riches that Babylon offers we have also fallen into despair. Trading all that is sacred for the opportunity to now vainly stare at ourselves in the glare that surrounds us.
II. So will the love of a partner now be replaced by the love of a plant? Will the warm embrace of your children be forsaken for the lumens of a 1000 watt grow light? Will you sacrifice friendships while gaining security? Will you destroy your family for the promise of whatever lies behind the curtain? Will you now commodify the healing power of this medicine in order to line your pockets? Place expectations upon it so heavy that it collapses under its own weight? Ask this plant to carry you rather then simply support you? Or add it to the vast list of icons and idols that you worship so blindly that your devotion turns into delusion.
III. Now as judgment day awaits us all, who do we throw our lot in with? Is it devil or deity? And when we fall down on our knees do we give it all or just pretend to see the lines between truth and iniquity? For we must always remember that the devil comes in many disguises and goes by many names. Luring us with convention. Tempting us with riches and false glory. Leading us down a path of self deception that blinds us to the trail of tears we have now left in our wake.
PEOPLE Magazine named country music legend Johnny Crashed as its 2016 "Sexiest Man Alive" in this week's issue, besting perennial favorites Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, in the annual popularity contest.
PEOPLE Magazine spokesperson Ima Douche said that "Johnny Crashed is everything that today's woman would want in a man. He has the rugged charm of a young Sean Connery with the smooth approach favored by hipsters like Glen Quagmire and Disco Stu. Plus they say he has some African-American blood on his father's side which means that not only is he packing some heat (take that Donald Trump) but in today's multi-cultural world it's almost a necessity. After all what modern woman wants to sleep with a white guy? Boring..."
There were reports of a severe increase in domestic violence after the issue hit the newsstands as women everywhere where forced to confront the inadequacies of their partners. Many local bands, including the Portland group, the Lazzlo Family Band have announced a temporary hiatus due to their womenfolk requesting that they dress and act "more like Johnny" if they want to get some.
When asked about the annual designation, Mr. Crashed had this to say. "While I find tabloid journalism to be on par with commercial radio d.j.'s and Portland talent buyers/venue bookers, once in a while they just get it right. As my good friend Muhammed Ali once told me, 'Damn I'm pretty!' Also, I carry around cute babies and act like I love doing it. Women are suckers for a father doing his job. Well... actually... not all of them."
Johnny Crashed also is said to be the centerfold of the up and coming calendar, "The Men of Open Sky Farm" coming soon to gay bookstore near you.