Somewhere, Maine - At a hastily called press conference outside the Buckfield Mall, local marijuana farmer Johnny Crashed endorsed Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders for President. The outlaw country musician was at the mall picking up a breakfast sandwich for his German Shepard/best friend Sam and a Pepsi for himself when he was approached by a reporter about a rumored arrest warrant for outstanding child support.
Quickly turning the subject matter over to politics Johnny Crashed reminisced about his thirty year friendship with Senator Sanders. "I was going to school in a town right next to Burlington...but since the drinking age was eighteen at the time I spent most of my time drunk and puking at the bars downtown….even with the $.25 drafts and $1 well drinks i was quickly broke and needing money to sustain my drinking habit...my friend Hector (a mushroom dealer who lived down the hall in my dorm) suggested I start dealing weed. Pretty soon I was being invited into the inner circle of the Burlington elite….I remember one time being at a party with Trey (Anastasio from the band Phish) and dosing him with some family acid. While he was spinning I fed him a bullshit tale of an Indian blood feud involving a chimpanzee and a weasel named Fee. He sure made some money off of that one…"
Crashed continued…"Anyways Ben and Jerry also became good friends of mine….and they would often use my customers as a testing ground for potential new ice cream flavors….i'd be doing lines off the boobs of some local hippie chick and they would sit there and watch me while screaming 'you gotta meet Bernie, you gotta meet Bernie'...They knew we both shared a strong hatred for corporate America and it turns out that Bernie was also looking for a new weed dealer...Over the next 3-4 years we would usually get together once a week or so to talk politics and puff…He wasn't making much money as Mayor of Burlington so I would usually end up fronting him a dime bag...But every week he was back to cover the front. No excuses.
Here's the thing…I got (at least) two daughters…I don't want them growing up in a world reeking of imbalance and brutality…and my good friend Bernie Sanders can play a vital role in bringing corporate resistance to the world stage…so i have decided that not only will i be co-headlining (with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog) on what is being called the Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die/Feel the Bern tour but I am donating all of my remaining outdoor harvest (from last fall) to the campaign to help keep both the candidate and his volunteers fully medicated as we move towards victory in New Hampshire and Iowa."
A Sanders campaign spokesperson declined to comment for this story but did confirm that Ben and Jerry were sexual deviants.
Somewhere, Maine - Local marijuana growers were visibly upset at their weekly marijuana fueled orgy held at Openly High Farm in the hills of western Maine, after the comments of Gov. Paul LePage were brought to the groups attention.
Johnny Crashed, owner of the farm, and a longtime drug dealer/musician, had this too say, "I take it as a personal insult from LePage that he would subtly imply that it is black drug dealers doing the knocking up of white women here in Maine. I'm a proud Irishman and I came up here ten years ago from the big city to sell drugs. In that time I have successfully impregnated not one, but TWO, white women in this states borders. Each one has given me a fine daughter. And if I can add a second wife like I'm planning, I'm going for a son next year. Where's the shout out to me and my kind?"
Morningstar, a local hippie hill cat participating in the orgy, commented, "Listen Mr. LePage, if you had to limit your sexual exploration to white guys stinking of pachouli, you would be out banging the brothers as well. At least they got jobs and don't act like such bitches!"
"It just really hurts to hear these things. What's a white drug dealer gotta do to get the same respect as my African-American peers. I mean I'm no Rasta, but I'm doing my part." Johnny Crashed added as he climbed back into his hot tub.
Local music fans met the release of a new video, "Love is Such a Heavy Burden" from the Johnny Crashed CD "God, Guns, and Ganja" with a large yawn today as they had already spent 6-8 hours watching their news feed on Facebook and were simply too tired to care.
That being said, here is the URL