Somewhere, Maine - At a hastily called press conference outside the Buckfield Mall, local marijuana farmer Johnny Crashed endorsed Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders for President. The outlaw country musician was at the mall picking up a breakfast sandwich for his German Shepard/best friend Sam and a Pepsi for himself when he was approached by a reporter about a rumored arrest warrant for outstanding child support.
Quickly turning the subject matter over to politics Johnny Crashed reminisced about his thirty year friendship with Senator Sanders. "I was going to school in a town right next to Burlington...but since the drinking age was eighteen at the time I spent most of my time drunk and puking at the bars downtown….even with the $.25 drafts and $1 well drinks i was quickly broke and needing money to sustain my drinking habit...my friend Hector (a mushroom dealer who lived down the hall in my dorm) suggested I start dealing weed. Pretty soon I was being invited into the inner circle of the Burlington elite….I remember one time being at a party with Trey (Anastasio from the band Phish) and dosing him with some family acid. While he was spinning I fed him a bullshit tale of an Indian blood feud involving a chimpanzee and a weasel named Fee. He sure made some money off of that one…"
Crashed continued…"Anyways Ben and Jerry also became good friends of mine….and they would often use my customers as a testing ground for potential new ice cream flavors….i'd be doing lines off the boobs of some local hippie chick and they would sit there and watch me while screaming 'you gotta meet Bernie, you gotta meet Bernie'...They knew we both shared a strong hatred for corporate America and it turns out that Bernie was also looking for a new weed dealer...Over the next 3-4 years we would usually get together once a week or so to talk politics and puff…He wasn't making much money as Mayor of Burlington so I would usually end up fronting him a dime bag...But every week he was back to cover the front. No excuses.
Here's the thing…I got (at least) two daughters…I don't want them growing up in a world reeking of imbalance and brutality…and my good friend Bernie Sanders can play a vital role in bringing corporate resistance to the world stage…so i have decided that not only will i be co-headlining (with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog) on what is being called the Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die/Feel the Bern tour but I am donating all of my remaining outdoor harvest (from last fall) to the campaign to help keep both the candidate and his volunteers fully medicated as we move towards victory in New Hampshire and Iowa."
A Sanders campaign spokesperson declined to comment for this story but did confirm that she had also heard rumors that Ben and Jerry were sexual deviants.