PEOPLE Magazine named country music legend Johnny Crashed as its 2016 "Sexiest Man Alive" in this week's issue, besting perennial favorites Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, in the annual popularity contest.
PEOPLE Magazine spokesperson Ima Douche said that "Johnny Crashed is everything that today's woman would want in a man. He has the rugged charm of a young Sean Connery with the smooth approach favored by hipsters like Glen Quagmire and Disco Stu. Plus they say he has some African-American blood on his father's side which means that not only is he packing some heat (take that Donald Trump) but in today's multi-cultural world it's almost a necessity. After all what modern woman wants to sleep with a white guy? Boring..."
There were reports of a severe increase in domestic violence after the issue hit the newsstands as women everywhere where forced to confront the inadequacies of their partners. Many local bands, including the Portland group, the Lazzlo Family Band have announced a temporary hiatus due to their womenfolk requesting that they dress and act "more like Johnny" if they want to get some.
When asked about the annual designation, Mr. Crashed had this to say. "While I find tabloid journalism to be on par with commercial radio d.j.'s and Portland talent buyers/venue bookers, once in a while they just get it right. As my good friend Muhammed Ali once told me, 'Damn I'm pretty!' Also, I carry around cute babies and act like I love doing it. Women are suckers for a father doing his job. Well... actually... not all of them."
Johnny Crashed also is said to be the centerfold of the up and coming calendar, "The Men of Open Sky Farm" coming soon to gay bookstore near you.