Somewhere, ME - Legendary outlaw country musician and marijuana farmer Johnny Crashed was the victim of a jealous stalker who released a sex tape to TMZ 48 hours ago allegedly showing Mr. Crashed and two women going at in a West Paris motel room. Mr. Crashed quickly admitted to reporters that one of the figures in the sex tape was indeed him and that he wanted to get out in front of this burgeoning scandal and talk directly to his fans.
"For almost eight years I have been repeatedly victimized by a jealous man, posing as a writer (whose name rhymes with Rash) and who has seemingly been consumed by my sex life. I believe it all began when his wife began screaming my name during orgasm. Regardless this man (genetically at least) went over the line this time by filming a consensual sexual act that took place on Old Testament Night at the Mollyocket Motel in West Paris. It's where swinging Christians get together to celebrate the old ways. I was acting out a Solomon fantasy with a couple of sister wife's that night and that dirtbag filmed it and then sold it to cover his viagra habit."
TMZ officials confirmed that they had received an anonymous tape in a package that smelled like an unloved overweight middle aged man.
"First of all I want to apologize to my fans who have come to expect more from me. Secondly I also want to apologize to the women in the video,. as I have was having an off night and couldn't give them the attention they deserved. And finally I want apologize to the motel management for the lube spill left on the dresser. But I did leave a QP of OG Kush for the cleaning lady. That's fair!"
Mr Crashed went on to say, "If that douche had just waited he could have bought an episode of Home Schooled Christian Girls Gone Wild, which will be out on DVD in April. Better quality of camera, B Roll gems, and the first Virtual Reality Scratch and Sniff app to hit the porn market. And to be fair to me, my buddy Max was in the room next to me with 3 women AND a goat. That guys got a problem!
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