Somewhere, Maine - In a surprising reversal outlaw country music legend / marijuana farmer Johnny Crashed has withdrawn from the Trump Inauguration Ceremony where he was scheduled to play his classic "Everybody Wants to Be King" right before the swearing in of President Elect Trump.
Below is the full text of the open letter Crashed posted to his Facebook page.
To all my fans:
As many of you know I was invited and initially accepted an invitation to play at the upcoming inauguration of President Elect Trump. The truth is that Mr. Trump and I go back a long way. Back in the late seventies I was living in the Lower East Side of NYC and met the Donald (or the Douche as we called him behind his back) through mutual call girls we frequented. From 1979- 1981 I believe I was his principle cocaine dealer. We may have even done some gay shit in a hot tub with Rick James once. He had money. I had drugs. It was a match made for the times.
Still I was surprised to get the invitation seeing as I haven't spoken to him in thirty years and the only thing we have in common nowadays is the desire to bang his daughter. Plus I had left that scene and started my journey towards cannabis while he continued paying hookers to snort coke off his dick. To each their own I always say. But when the invitation arrived I felt a wave of nostalgia come over me and I rationalized my performing as perhaps just the thing he needed to realize that he was a huge pile of dog shit and perhaps change his ways.
But as it came down to the wire and everyone but the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the Rockette's and Toby *#%$& Keith had withdrawn I did some hard thinking. Frankly I was ok with sharing a stage with the choir and the dancing girls but no f---ing way am I opening for that flag waving, crappy song writing, fake cowboy, moron, Toby Keith. I would rather spend a night having sex with Hillary Clinton while her husband jerked off at the side of the bed.
So to all my friends and fans, my apologies. I was temporarily blinded by the possibilities of getting a career bounce out of this gig. I'm still sitting on 400 of the 500 CD's I ordered of my last CD. I could really have used the help paying for my antibiotics.
A Trump campaign spokesperson denied that Mr. Trump had any kind of gay sex with Mr. Crashed as he was always too busy "grabbing 'da pussy".