Somewhere, Maine - At a hastily called press conference outside the Buckfield Mall, local marijuana farmer Johnny Crashed endorsed Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders for President. The outlaw country musician was at the mall picking up a breakfast sandwich for his German Shepard/best friend Sam and a Pepsi for himself when he was approached by a reporter about a rumored arrest warrant for outstanding child support.
Quickly turning the subject matter over to politics Johnny Crashed reminisced about his thirty year friendship with Senator Sanders. "I was going to school in a town right next to Burlington...but since the drinking age was eighteen at the time I spent most of my time drunk and puking at the bars downtown….even with the $.25 drafts and $1 well drinks i was quickly broke and needing money to sustain my drinking habit...my friend Hector (a mushroom dealer who lived down the hall in my dorm) suggested I start dealing weed. Pretty soon I was being invited into the inner circle of the Burlington elite….I remember one time being at a party with Trey (Anastasio from the band Phish) and dosing him with some family acid. While he was spinning I fed him a bullshit tale of an Indian blood feud involving a chimpanzee and a weasel named Fee. He sure made some money off of that one…"
Crashed continued…"Anyways Ben and Jerry also became good friends of mine….and they would often use my customers as a testing ground for potential new ice cream flavors….i'd be doing lines off the boobs of some local hippie chick and they would sit there and watch me while screaming 'you gotta meet Bernie, you gotta meet Bernie'...They knew we both shared a strong hatred for corporate America and it turns out that Bernie was also looking for a new weed dealer...Over the next 3-4 years we would usually get together once a week or so to talk politics and puff…He wasn't making much money as Mayor of Burlington so I would usually end up fronting him a dime bag...But every week he was back to cover the front. No excuses.
Here's the thing…I got (at least) two daughters…I don't want them growing up in a world reeking of imbalance and brutality…and my good friend Bernie Sanders can play a vital role in bringing corporate resistance to the world stage…so i have decided that not only will i be co-headlining (with Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog) on what is being called the Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die/Feel the Bern tour but I am donating all of my remaining outdoor harvest (from last fall) to the campaign to help keep both the candidate and his volunteers fully medicated as we move towards victory in New Hampshire and Iowa."
A Sanders campaign spokesperson declined to comment for this story but did confirm that Ben and Jerry were sexual deviants.
Somewhere, Maine - Local marijuana growers were visibly upset at their weekly marijuana fueled orgy held at Openly High Farm in the hills of western Maine, after the comments of Gov. Paul LePage were brought to the groups attention.
Johnny Crashed, owner of the farm, and a longtime drug dealer/musician, had this too say, "I take it as a personal insult from LePage that he would subtly imply that it is black drug dealers doing the knocking up of white women here in Maine. I'm a proud Irishman and I came up here ten years ago from the big city to sell drugs. In that time I have successfully impregnated not one, but TWO, white women in this states borders. Each one has given me a fine daughter. And if I can add a second wife like I'm planning, I'm going for a son next year. Where's the shout out to me and my kind?"
Morningstar, a local hippie hill cat participating in the orgy, commented, "Listen Mr. LePage, if you had to limit your sexual exploration to white guys stinking of pachouli, you would be out banging the brothers as well. At least they got jobs and don't act like such bitches!"
"It just really hurts to hear these things. What's a white drug dealer gotta do to get the same respect as my African-American peers. I mean I'm no Rasta, but I'm doing my part." Johnny Crashed added as he climbed back into his hot tub.
Local music fans met the release of a new video, "Love is Such a Heavy Burden" from the Johnny Crashed CD "God, Guns, and Ganja" with a large yawn today as they had already spent 6-8 hours watching their news feed on Facebook and were simply too tired to care.
That being said, here is the URL
(Somewhere, Maine) In what some historians are saying is only the 2nd documented case of immaculate conception in human history, a 9lb. baby girl was born to local virgin, Jezebel Gentempo, at Open Sky Farm on December 21, 2015. The baby arrived at 4:20am and was greeted by a drum circle composed of stoned hippies and drunken rednecks.
"We have had our share of conceiving over the years here at Open Sky Farm. After all when you are naked and tripping on magic mushrooms, who has time to find the condom hidden in your wallet?", said Johnny Crashed. "But to be able to bring life into this world without actually having sex is what really has us all impressed, and quite frankly, mystified."
Authorities have been at the farm questioning all the men who have been present at the farm back through early March in an attempt to find a link to the conception. Most shared stories of vain attempts at seduction of the Virgin Gentempo with a shared outcome of a simple, hot meal, and a bible quote. "I certainly tried to get in her panties," said Jedi Priest and International Traveler, Father Jason Berube. "I even faked interest in Jesus. No luck."
In what local Christians are calling a Xmas miracle, Johnny Crashed has agreed to raise the child, named Lottie Weir Leavitt, as his own. "Ain't like no respectable woman is going to have sex with me. Might as well help out a single mother in need of a warm bed, a hot meal, and good weed!" Johnny Crashed said in a statement to local media.
Anyone who wants to contribute to the child's upbringing can send cash, checks, money orders, illicit drugs, and high quality porn to: Cow Pasture Productions, PO Box 122, Sumner, ME 04292. No midgets or farm animal themes please.
Bad news. Sometime in the night local graffiti vandals tagged my outhouse with paint! Unfortunately we will need to leave it on the outhouse until the FBI can come and do a DNA analysis. If you have any information or leads on who may have committed this horrible hate crime, please keep it to yourself.
(Somewhere, Maine) - A group of masked marijuana farmers broke into a storage closet belonging to the Mallet Brothers Band on Sunday evening and stole the bands legendary Fender Telecaster, once played by Buddy Holly.
Local law enforcement received a communique (and the photo above that offers no clues) from a spokesperson for the shadowy growers organization on Monday morning with the following text: "On Saturday, November 7th, the Mallet Brothers Band played a private party at Open Sky Farm in Somewhere, Maine. During this time the band consumed roughly four pounds of the latest harvest. We had only promised them one pound. We will be holding the guitar hostage until our marijuana is returned or they promise to hit on our women like any real rock and roll band would do."
A spokesperson for the Mallet Brothers Band confirmed that they do indeed smoke a lot of weed and it's likely that they did steal the other three pounds and had their roadie sell it to pay off some outstanding bar tabs.
Law enforcement are cautioning the general public to avoid these shadowy marijuana farmers at all cost as it's likely they are armed with joints, vape pens, bongs, hookahs, and glass pipes and actively recruiting for their cause.